Life can be hard and overwhelming… even a bit unfair. I don’t know how long you have been following my musings and pretty furniture… But if you are a friend and a long time follower. One word sums up my battle. Unfair.

 

And maybe crazy. Because where yes, it looks like unfair and crazy to the world. My God is bigger than “unfair” and what He is accomplishing in the midst of the unknown will surely have immense purpose- Kingdom Purpose.

We made Arizona. And my body is so thankful and so grateful. And we have had many tiny victories. And over this next journey, I feel like God is asking me to walk it out publicly. My battles up until this last year, have been very personal but not my own. The work that God has done in me through my daughter’s fight to find freedom from mental illness and disability, has equipped me for this next fight. 

Friends. God is completely after our hearts. NOT our acts of service, not making our name be known for serving Him or others. 

Yes, through knowing who He is really is and being so in tune with the very beat of our hearts in rhythm with His, that our feet begin stepping at a pace that only He can sustain.  

Lately, I have been thinking a lot of this “unfair” business and asking myself -What if we make too big of a deal on the whole “call of God” or OUR purpose…

It comes down to this for me.

We spend too much time thinking about ourselves and asking the wrong questions. 

Our ideas, Our plans- if we spent half as much time in who our God is and what His heart breaks for-

We’d already be about the business of what WE are ALL  called to be and do. 

“Follow Me & Make Disciples”

{Matthew 4:19, 16:24, 19:28, Deut. 5:33}

Our lives in front of others seem so unfair. Because they cannot truly understand a God who would make one person walk through so much.

I believed my entire childhood that life was so unfair, I couldn’t have run or rebelled any hard from God. I lived through multiple divorces. I was victim to the hands that should be trusted who used their size and perversion to hurt my brother and I (still cannot call that what it is-disgusts me more than hovers shame.) I have felt the pain of someone’s anger in the physical and verbal that turned to much emotional risk taking of my own. I have moved so many times that 21 was all I chose to count and recall by the time I was 19. I have lost lives of those I truly loved. I have endured rape and sexual assault as a wife. I have seen loved one be hurt and abused that should never have taken place. All that came before my faith and before I truly believed that God truly existed. It created a hard heart, a strong resolve, and so much bitterness masked behind this smile.  And that’s all life before many of my friends who call my life unfair… It’s so hard to not jump in that boat and agree. Because friends, Satan wants me to turn that boat into a big ol’ party barge!! 

Walking in faith changed so much for me. And even in darkness of despair- we  could never truly understand all that God is or has for us. So we see mountains and low valleys, and streams that form rivers, and canyons that are forever in the shadows. And tides that wash in and out among the ocean shores that only our feet can feel and the depths of His love we cannot reach or heights that could never be revealed without His taking us home…

Prayers are answered every second, every moment. Not one is left unheard. Even in the silence.

It’s not why me? What have I done? It’s because- You belong to the Kingdom of Heaven and He has a jealous and pursuing love to make you more righteous than you can ever do on your own. {You can not .. it’s not how it works.}  

“May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.”

{2 Thessalonians 3:5 NIV }

Lord help us loosen our grips to ourselves. How wildly misunderstood it is, that we lose all of us in following Him. True, oh so true. But in the absolute best way.  We lose us in following Him. The selfish us. The old us who cannot see beyond ourselves. And finally begins to see all that we have been missing that God had waiting in the place where ‘us’ couldn’t go. 

{Isaiah 43:2}

You begin to sing harmony when you prefer melody. You sing a lower range coupled with a new harmony- and don’t you dare mutter to yourself “but I don’t really like this part.” It’s not for you… It’s about serving your Master in new ways that allow you to become the background and humble you and let God lead you.

It’s funny because that may not make any sense to you. But control is my sin. I need it to feel like the world around me isn’t swirling beyond my reach of what I can do… Y’all my life is unfair… I am stubborn and have to be wrecked in the biggest ways to come into the fullness of what God wants for me. 

Now, for me I thought that was MS and having to move from our {still not sold} Farmhouse. But it appears that through whatever prayers I have prayed… He has another battle for me to fight. 

And so through journey, I want to take all that love to do and share it. Not for me but for God. I want the struggles that I face, that are so real, to reflect my faith… And I don’t want you to see unfair. I want you to see the Great Big God who loves me too much to leave me the same me. I want you to watch His power be multiplied through the killing of every cancer cell. I will not be shaken!! I still believe that there is NONE like our God. I am not in control of His ways. But as I build my fight against all the unknowns, I will build it on the firm foundation of who He is and what His promises are for me!! 

So bear with me. I don’t know what’s ahead and I don’t know what the sharing will look like. But I know that it’s something that God’s placing in my heart.  And so I will walk in obedience and believe it’s for Him!!