If these walls could talk, they would tell you the meaning of home.

Our house that stands today was the rebuild of a 1906 house that burned down.  The house was owned by The Knight Family, the first prominent family in Commerce Texas. They rebuilt in 1914. They had 9 children within these walls. The parents slept in the pantry with a bed and wardrobe. I have to say, if I had 9 children I would hide in any room downstairs myself. Just a little peace and quiet.

But the meaning of home is the people inside. They had to have felt that when they suffered the loss of their first dream and had to rebuild.

And in 2011, in the roughest of shape, new eyes and hearts set out on a mission. And new story was being written, the beginning of a complete renovation had begun.

It had quite the life by the looks of it. What a blessing that rescue and hard work made. The couple who had done the beautiful work wrote about how it was going to be their forever home, and it was to be ours… but God had a change of plans for both of our families!!

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21 NIV
 

This Beautiful Texas Farmhouse has seen suffering and great times of joy over the many years.  It has been redeemed, reclaimed, rebuilt and restored!!

That is how I would describe the last two years of my story.  He’s using His pen of mercy today to rewrite ours. 

We are just over a few days that it marks 2 years in our beautiful dream farmhouse. We are also just a few days shy of the beginning of a new normal for me. This new normal is taking me out of Texas and away from this dream farmhouse.  

Learning that home is so much more than the place we make and create. Not that making and creating a home is bad, just that it’s not everything.

The ability to breathe, walk, and play with my kids means more than the structure that I call home.

This new normal, multiple sclerosis, I don’t really understand completely. I have quite a few things that all add up in risk factor area, I am learning statistics regarding other illnesses I have had stress and viruses that can lead to the onset. But I am trying hard to not center my every thought, researching wired brain moments on this condition.

Not wanting the illness to become who I am or trap me in defeat. I am no longer me. I don’t walk across to the workshop in the mornings to paint like I did before.

I do know my symptoms aren’t a come and go. It’s an every single day I have symptoms. Wildly ranging from mere annoyances to down right painful. I spent the better part of fall 2016 away from home, away from family, in a hotel, on a plane, and in a lobby, MRI machine, or doctor’s office at Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale AZ. It was hard to be away, but what I noticed was the difference in how I felt while I was there. I still had a few days I simply couldn’t walk or get out of bed. Days that my supportive husband had to simply watch me cry through pain.

However, I had far more many days where I walked the trail around the hospital campus snapping pictures of the cactus. I could breathe without the weight of the humidity. I could walk. I could climb the mountains. I could move!! 

I was alone, but God was right there. I was in prayer. I went to churches there. I felt like I was at home. My husband could see the genuine joy and relief that the desert was providing.

We prayed, we humbly sought God’s presence, and we stepped out into faith.  We decided to give the house to God, put a for sale sign in the yard, and believe He would sell. 

The Meaning of Home

Several places in the bible we are reminded that we are just “temporary residents and foreigners” {1 Peter 2:11, Leviticus 25:23, Ephesians 2:19, and more}

Paul said, “For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven and eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands.” 2 Corinthians 5:1 But as much as I long for that day, I don’t want to miss a single day of God’s plan that he has purposed this time in my life to fulfill. And so I cling to a few verses later where Paul encourages us to cling to this truth, “God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.” v.5

So if the meaning of home is the people whom we are with and the most important is the eternal home that we carry in our hearts… Home can be anywhere… That’s where the real journey began for me. Quietly silencing the internal fight of how much I love my home with how much I love my family, how much I love God, and how much God loves me. This home could never take the place of either.

I know it seems so silly on your side. But by the age 19, I had moved 21 times.  I never knew one place as “home”. When we moved here, we were determined to build a generational home. To change a legacy. That legacy is changing. It’s changing in the way my children see me follow after my God’s will over my own. Seeing me face trials with joy in my heart. Seeing me fall and get back up time after time. He uses all things, especially the hardest things, to show His glory and faithfulness!! 

You are Invited In

Friends, I don’t know what your life looks like right now. I don’t know if you are suffering through divorce, a friend betrayal, a church hurt, a loss of a child, cancer, or other painful illness. But I do know that God sees and He is Sovereign. That can be a really hard pill to swallow.

It can be a truth you just don’t want to believe is true. It’s often the most misunderstood thing about God.  If God is love and is good- why are so many people hurting.

But I would love to invite you for a minute to sit and talk. And if you were here you would sit right here. I have sat many a hard conversations at this bar, with friends in hurting places, with strangers I didn’t know. I have seen the glimpses of the good in the very ugly circumstances of real lives. God has heard every conversation, heard every cry for mercy,

He has every tear recorded in his book. He will one day redeem those hurting places, they will have meaning so profound, and for now He is the rock and fortress. He is the victory and the refuge. 

When we moved here to Commerce, Texas. This house was our fortress and refuge. It was providing for our sweet Mia. But it was also a place where all things could be made new with our oldest daughter. And I can only say on the other side of that really hard, dark time, that we more than endured. We had faced a suicide attempt at 15, years of psychiatric hospital visits and horrible battles that no parent is ever fully prepared for. That I wouldn’t trade one second of it for an easier life. I wouldn’t trade one puddled floor prayer of absolute defeat desperately seeking hope. I wouldn’t trade the faith and the fight I gained. It is what I needed for this season. And the beauty that has risen and bloomed from all the seeds I sowed into her and God watered and worked within her. I wouldn’t trade one cup of suffering. I would have missed out on the blessings.

God is Sovereign

So, I remind myself of all that He’s done. That in this present body of mine that is slower, weaker, in pain, and fights me everyday. The body that literally is getting on its own nerves. I am alive. I have the Holy Spirit alive in me to remind me of the life I have because of all that He has worked in and through me in the messy hard times. And I believe He will do it again!!  This is my confidence and my strength. It’s the Holy Spirit alive and active in me.

The meaning of home is built right into my heart. Right here comforting me and fighting for me. This is why I share with you today. It’s easy to cheer others on when life is good.  But it’s the hard times, the uncomfortable times that we get to choose joy for ourselves even when others can’t imagine. My hope isn’t in my circumstances, but the Big God that my heart is aligned to and filled with. 

And as surely as I believe my home here is temporary. I also have a deeper understanding, a deeper gratitude, a deeper faith from the knowing that God is Sovereign. And not just in the good times.

It also means that He allowed this hardship. This suffering has brought me to the absolute end of my old self. The girl that could rush ahead and help God. The girl that had dreams and hopes for tomorrow. Those were laid at His feet and left to die. They were put in His hands and whispered tears replaced my will to His.

I’ve never had a deeper abiding, a truly deep longing for more of what will sustain me rather than break me. He is the strength and protection for my days. He is making me new and I praise Him for the pain and the goodness that He is.

I praise Him for the ways that this has healed many areas of my life I couldn’t until I was out of the way. I praise Him that my life is an example to many. I praise Him that He’s allowed me to go through hardship and that He will restore me to life again. {Psalm 72:20-21} It’s His Word and His Word is true. True today, yesterday, and all the days to come. 

And So I find myself thanking God for every single day that I have had in this home. I find myself detaching from it and praying for the people who God will bring to live a very happy and abundant life. The new little feet that will run through this back door.

or in and out of the pantry to grab a snack…

I find myself remembering the walls I might have removed or the shiplap that I longed to uncover behind the drywall, because Y’all its there!!! 

And I laugh at the countless ways I have moved furniture around and around… because my living room today is completely different than the pictures!! I opened it up!! That side door is used a lot!! 

I find myself daydreaming of the barn doors I longed to put up in between the entry and this room… and the truth is the original house- well it had pocket doors and they are hanging upstairs!! 

I find myself continuing to pray for our community and the people within it.

I find myself choosing to see the beauty through the windows rather than the defeat within that very sentence. 

I find myself numbering the days before the real firestorm comes and He sends a cool breeze as a covering of grace. 

 

And on days where it’s too much to go up and down the stairs…

I am so grateful that even if I rushed ahead of God moving here.. He is faithful to provide an elevator!! 

Bed has become my home. 

And some days, I truly have to carefully plan out whether I will do more harm taking a shower. Seriously, a shower- hot and humid- will take out my legs. That means again my children may have to see a second day pony and happy mom cooking dinner or mom in bed because it was all I could accomplish for the day.

Life is about living. Being a mom is about playing with your children and being present and able. I am so hard on myself, this I know. And I know I am doing the best I can, & with God’s grace it is enough. 

But while I was in Arizona, I saw a glimpse of all that could be. I felt that grace in new ways. Moving is hard. It’s hard to leave this place I call home. This place I truly love. It’s hard to look around and know that I had so many things that I didn’t get to do.  And I am gently reminded of the meaning of home.

So, I find myself praying for the new family who will drive into this spot. That they will have the eyes to see, the ears to hear, the heart to call this place home. To make a life worthy of living in such a wonderful home. To make this home filled with laughter and dreams and life!!

And so keep trusting and holding onto what we know is true. He’s a God of details, all the details. We cannot even fathom to think about all the details. His ways are higher and He is Good- even, but especially when it doesn’t feel good!!

I look into my sweet Mia’s eyes and know that if I had quit believing and walking in faith because we had met every disappointment an adoption journey can bring, I wouldn’t ever know how sweet His goodness truly is. Each disappointment was equipping us with everything we needed to win the battle. Each trial we face has the opportunity to be the greatest blessing for tomorrow!! I have seen this time after time!! It’s why I can fall on Saturday from being so weak and so done, and rise on Sunday with new mercies flooding over me!!

God’s grace is enough. I don’t have to be strong enough.

And again, I am assured by the meaning of home. God has built it into our hearts!!  

This is a link to our listing. SOLD.  If you know anyone looking for that Farmhouse Lifestyle pass along. It is zoned for and would make a wonderful bed and breakfast with the barn.